So first thing’s first, I TOTALLY made it to the mortal world, and I barely got lost or anything getting here. That chump Barleyrice owes me a gold piece, and don’t think for a second I’m gonna let him forget it.
But yeah, I got here and everything, and check it out, I’m already a big shot here! See, it went down like this—I was minding my own business, when this fancy-pants merchant guy starts abusing some horses, like, right in front of me! Or in my general vicinity. But anyway, I couldn’t let that go unchallenged, so I was all “It is ON.” And I pretty much razzed him mercilessly for a day or two. It was amazing, you’d have split a gut.
Anywho, some of the mortals aren’t complete dopes, and they finally figured out something was up. Once they saw how l33t my mad skillz were, they naturally offered me a super important position heading up scouting detachments. I practically run the place now.
Oh yeah, and you’ll never guess who I ran into out here! Remember Hawkthorn? That guy is still alive and everything. So is Xiao (who is totally still rad and in no way a dangerous monster. Did he get banished over that? Honestly, I can’t remember). Apparently, he ran across my trail somehow, and, realizing how awesome I am, felt compelled to join up. I managed to get him into the scouts too.
There’s also Arja, this mortal paladin girl. She’s a bit uptight, but reliable in a fight I guess. I get the feeling something bad happened to her recently, but she doesn’t talk about it much. Oh, and there’s Tek (that’s his short name, his real one is like, a mile long). He’s kind of hung up reminding me he’s human (like I can tell mortals apart), but mostly cool. And he’s a bard, so, you know, gotta respect.
So the other day, Lord Zealand (that’s the guy the mortals put in charge) tells the four of us to go ahead to the site of this new city they’re going to create to clear out some bandits. So we go ahead, but no one else in the party is really very sneaky, and we get ambushed. But it’s okay, but because mortal bandits are lame, and we iced them. I could have handled it all myself, but I didn’t want to be greedy. We made friends with their dogs, and learned about their main base.
This time I decided I’d try and let them surrender, since it’s no fun beating up on weak mortals. But, what can I say, mortals are dumb—only one of them took me up on it. So we fought and they turned out to have a bunch of archers with some crazy luck. I took down the boss-guy but one of their guys hit me with a lucky shot. I
probably would have died if Tek hadn’t stopped me from bleeding out was mostly fine. Plus it’s cool, ‘cause now I have the SICKEST scar across my chest (no joke, it’s totally sweet).
Anyway, Juarez (the only one smart enough to surrender) gave us a chest with a bunch of gold and a notebook which allowed us to turn off the magic defenses on this super-secret library. He also told us that the boss I killed wasn’t even the biggest boss- there’s some other guy hiding in a cave somewhere with an even bigger stash of gold. Since most of it’s stolen, my guess is we’re going to go wreck his face next, but that’s up to Mixmaster Z (my nick for Zealand, because ‘Lord Zealand’ is lame).
Hmm, that’s mostly it for now. I just wanted you to know that everything is fine, I’m not lonely or homesick at all, and I’m probably almost already a legendary hero among the mortals. If I’d known it was this easy, I’d have done it years ago. I’ll check in later as I have time.
Your awesome pal and soon to be Legendary Champion of the Mortal World,